The Horror. Part I

Fuck DVDs.

One of the biggest pains in my ass at work is making these fucking things. Between all the variables that go into making them and the varying degrees of compatability between DVD players it’s almost enough to make you yearn for the days of VHS. I might’ve gotten carried away there but you get the idea. It’s absurd to the point that different brands of DVD-Rs can and will fuck you if you’re not careful.

I can deal with this shit when I’m at work. What I can’t stomach is that level of unreliability when it comes to a screening master for the premiere of our two year labor of love in front of 250 of our most favorite-ish people.

The 48 hours approaching the premiere were destined to test my nerves.

Wednesday, May 3th, 2006. K-Day -1. It’s around 6pm and Matt and I locked the screening cut for the premiere. We were done. We had plans to come back and clean up a thing or two a few months down the line for a proper DVD release, but as far as the premiere was concerned we’d gutted our last ghoul. We sent the film to the compression software for processing so we could burn it to DVD and rushed out for the now infamous (and forgiven) confrontation with musician pal Joe Evans. We got back, feeling like goons. Joe was so suspicious of us I was starting to suspect myself of being out to fuck me over. No time to think. Compression complete. Burn DVD.

Ten minutes later a DVD pops outta the G5. We test it out in Vazda’s playstation. Nothing.

An aside: I know it took precisely ten minutes for the DVD to burn because Matt was now pacing like an addict behind me. Season 2 of Lost was winding down and if we didn’t book it outta Birmingham like twenty minutes ago we were gonna miss that night’s episode. Chris and Karolyn were waiting for us back at her pad. Fuck.

Back to the non-functioning DVD. Pulses are pounding. Curses hurled. I’d played it safe all the way. Done everything by the book. Fuck the playstation, I said. Let’s try it in a regular DVD player. Matt and I marched down the hall to the conference room and held our breaths as the disc began to whir and chirp in the player. Then, zang! Credits and music. It was Nick Johns and it was the sweetest sound I’d heard since someone stole my copy of Curtis Mayfield’s greatest hits. Satisfied, we packed our things in a rush and flew outta there at full sprint.

I beat on my stepmom’s Camry (long story) like it was the General Lee. It was raining and rush hour in Birmingham and we had twenty-five minutes to get to Tuscaloosa before Lost came on. We beat the storm right outside of town and I was determined to stay ahead of it. We raced at speeds of up to 100 mph and in the end made it from Mountain Brook to Northport in 35 minutes. Matt only missed the first ten minutes of Lost.

I wasn’t yet a Lost fanatic at that time. But after watching a few minutes with Matt, Chris, and Karolyn, I knew it was something I had to check out. These guys were mainlining this stuff. It must be good. But I had no idea what was going on. I slipped out front to sip a beer, stretch out in the bed of Chris’ truck, and relax. I was exhausted, but couldn’t help but feel a sense of triumph in having put the final pre-premiere nail in the KW2 coffin.

This sweet little taste of victory wasn’t fated to last. After Lost ended, we decided to pop in KW2. The DVD played OK in Turner’s playstation for about ten minutes and then started skipping like Judy Garland on Exctasy. Godamnit.

We ran through a variety of scenarios and backup plans. I would have to return to Birmingham the following day (the day of the premiere, mind you) alone and burn more DVDs as well as a mini-dv master that could be played with my camera if all else failed.

Fuck me. Less than 24 hours until the premiere and we had no screening master. Furthermore, I had no assurances that the DVDs I burned the following day would be any different, given I had no way of isolating the problem to begin with. I drown the butterflies in my stomach in domestic beer and put it outta my head. Chris and I hit up a party later on, but instead of basking in the pre-premiere buzz as usual, the hype began to make me nervous. Everyone we knew was chomping at the bit to see our baby, and it all came down to a tiny plastic disc and a piece of consumer-grade electronics. If I hadn't been dog tired and Boris Yeltsin level drunk I wouldn't have slept a wink that night. As it happened, I slept like a baby.

Good thing. Becuause the events of the day were destined to pale in comparison to what I experienced the day of the premiere. I was gonna need all the rest I could get.

To be continued...